As you all know the change of season is a very hard time for me. I still haven't put my finger on why though. Is it because it will soon be darker earlier, the colder weather? We all know when it's dark our minds wonder, or at least mine does. I started a new job at a hospital and like it or not we talk about death sometimes, not because it happens, but because everyone has a story of some sort. They know my story. I know I wear Asher on my sleeve he is just as important to me as Saige and Olivia so I talk about him all the time too. Now sometimes I can talk about him and be fine and others the water works will fall. But the other day I brought up how I sometimes think about what is harder expected death or unexpected.
Expected death you can kind of plan for like it or not. You know it's going to happen, you are just not sure when. I remember when my grandpa was on hospice and really sick the anticipation of him dying was so hard. It was almost harder than when he actually did pass away. I know once he was gone he was in God's hands and he was not sick and in pain anymore. But those days and weeks leading up to that "relief" was hard. In the back of my mind I was always thinking is today the day I will get the call that he is gone. Will I get time to say goodbye. How am I going to tell Olivia. Sure once he was gone it was also super hard but we knew he was in a better place.
Unexpected death is very different. Like in the case with Asher. I had no clue. I was not prepared to hear those words, "This baby is not alive." It like your body and mind goes into shock. How do you deal, how do you possibly prepare after the most horrific thing that can possibly happen to a mother does. I remember planning his funeral, which by the way no parent should have to do especially one who wasn't even 30 yet. I had no idea how to plan a funeral. I remember them asking me questions and I would just look to my mom and dad because I didn't know. I was so young, sure I had experience death before but nothing like this. Nothing prepares you for this. It doesn't even really sink in that it has happened for a least a week. I remember my arms literally aching for something to hold onto. It's after everyone goes home and their lives go back to normal that it really hits home. You are left with a new normal like it or not and it's not fair.
I still get jealous of women who have baby boys. I still feel like mine was stolen from me, that I was robbed of the chance to raise a baby boy. Olivia asked me the other day why God stole my baby, and I had no answer. I will never know. I can't help how I feel it just happens sometimes. I don't know what God has in store for me, I don't know if I will get the chance to raise a baby boy. I hope so.
We wake up every day trying to solve the whys in life and for some of us we will never have an answer.
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