Venting

So this is a complete vent post so if you won't want to hear it, I would stop reading now!  I thought I was getting better about reading birth announcements and for the most part, I could read them and move on.  But one caught me completely off guard and sent me into an angry pissed off tail spin.

I know it sounds selfish, but the person's announcement of child number three made me super angry.  They seem to get pregnant so easy and seem to have life so easy.  I want to be that person who can get pregnant easy and then not have to worry about things for nine months.  I want my innocence back!  I want that feeling of being so happy to be pregnant back.  I want Asher to be here and not to have died.  I want my baby boy.

In my head I also secretly hope this person doesn't have a boy because I don't have mine.  I know it's selfish but I figure I can't control my feelings.  I also feel like I need to get it all out because it is not good to keep it bottled up inside.  

I am super glad I have friends that will listen to me when I need to be angry and upset. I feel like my feelings are what they are. No one is going through what I am at this particular stage in life so they won't know what is right or wrong.  I don't know what is right or wrong on how to feel.

I just take things day by day and try to get through it.  I am going to see a new doctor in a few weeks.  I am glad I am done with my old doctor and I can move forward.  I want another baby really bad, but I know now is not the right time for that.  I hope the doctor will tell me I will be able to try for that boy in the future.  I just have to know I tried for that boy.

I can't believe that Saige will be one year old in six days.  Where did that year go?  She grew up so fast and I miss holding that little baby.  She is so independent now and doesn't want to cuddle with her mommy much any more.

Just continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I try to work through this angry time in my life.  Most days I am doing good but then it seems like you get a kick in the butt and things go spiraling down hill again.