Alone

I haven't written in awhile, I guess I am not sure what to write.  I still am not doing very well.  Night time is still a struggle for me.  But it seems like the littlest thing can set me off and I will be crying.  I still cry all the time and lately I have been feeling so alone.  I guess it is because not many people ask to see how we are doing any more.  I mean I am sure people care, it is just that they moved on with their lives and I guess I haven't.  How can I?  I mean I lost my precious baby.  I just want to scream that numerous times a day.  I hope that those who are truely my friends will stick by me through all this.  I know I have not been a good friend, but I am doing the best I can.  Most of the time I am in a dark place and I am just trying to get through the day.  Being depressed and grieving is extremely exhausting.  I try to be happy for Olivia, but it is super hard sometimes.  I am finding myself getting frustrated with her again super easy.  I just don't know what to do.  We are trying so hard to have another baby, but it seems like my body isn't cooperating.  I will probably end up calling the doctor again to see what the next step is.  I am sure he is tired of hearing from me, but until I get a baby in my arms I am going to be calling.

Living without Asher is so hard.  I still try to visit him almost everyday.  And since it is coming up on Memorial Day and his one year birthday it will be so hard for me to cope.  I really wanted a baby in my arms by the time Asher turned one.  But I guess that was not in the plans for me.  People ask how I am doing, and I say ok when really I am dying inside.  I want to tell them how I really am, but I'm sure they don't want to hear it.  I feel like people look at me and think there is that lady who lost her baby.  And when I think that it makes me feel like it was my fault.  Sometimes I still feel like it was, but I know there was nothing I could have done, because if there was Asher would be here.  I miss him so much.  He has a part of my heart with him in heaven because it is gone now.

I am tired of daily life, it is so pointless most of the time.  I get up and go for Olivia she is all I have.  I know I need to stay here for her even when I don't want to.  I just hope someday she gets to experience having the sibling to grow up with that I never had.  She is going to be three in a couple weeks and it makes me upset because she is supposed to have a brother here.  They were supposed to be close in age.  If I ever get pregnant again she is going to be almost four by the time the next baby gets here.

It has been hard for me to pray again lately.  I feel like I am just saying empty words.  I am praying so hard to get pregnant and nothing is happening.  Where are you God and why aren't you listening to me?  I need to have something to hold onto and look forward too.  Something that gets me out of bed in the morning.  I want to be pregnant so I have a reason to take care of myself.  Why can't this happen for me?  I am angry and want to scream at God for many many reasons.  I know he can take it, but at the same time I feel like if I am angry with Him then He is never going to answer my prayers.  It upsets me that all these people are getting pregnant unplanned and I am working my butt off to try and get pregnant and nothing is happening.  I am charting and planning out everything and it is all for nothing.  I am tired of it.  I am trying to relax and be less stressed but it is so hard when the thing you wanted most was taken away from you. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Everything is so hard and not getting any easier.  Right now I am not agreeing with the time heals all things.  I think it is a sham.

Someone Is Missing
Someone is missing from our dinner table,
from our bedroom and our home.
Someone is missing from holiday celebrations,
family vacations and everywhere in between.
Someone is missing from our lives,
Our littlest one is gone.
He will not have birthday parties, graduations, or celebrations.
We will miss him throughout eternity
and our family will never be complete.
... Someone is missing, yet we go on.
Our lives are touched by him.
Changed forever by his brief existence.
His memory we keep alive.
He lives only in our hearts and minds,
We were blessed by his short life.
Our love for him forever strong.
Even though...someone will always be...MISSING.
- D. Lutz

Anniversary

Thursday Chris and I will have been married four years.  I don't know if it seems like a long time or not.  I remember a good portion of our wedding day.  It was a good day and I was so happy.  We really don't celebrate much for our anniversary.  I have been pregnant two out of the four years so far.  I really wish I was pregnant again this year, or I wish Asher were here with us.

Sometimes I wonder if Chris would have known what was going to happen in our life together if he would have still choosen to marry me.  I mean when we got married who would of thought that a few years down the road we would have to bury a son we never got to meet.  We have talked about this and he says he still would have married me.  But it is hard for me to think that through.  I mean sometimes I feel I have caused him all this pain and grief.  I know it isn't my fault Asher died, but he was in my body. 

Asher death has definely brought us closer together.  If we didn't have Olivia though I don't know where we would be.  We are still despertaly trying to get pregnant again.  Maybe it will happen on our anniversary.  I just hope next year when it comes time to celebrate our five year that we can do it with a baby in our arms once again.

I haven't been easy to live with since Asher died.  The littlest things can bring me to tears.  I get frustrated and angry pretty easy.  I try to keep it in check, but sometimes it just needs to come out.  I try to be a good wife and mother.  I just hope I am enough for them.  I know someday this cloud of saddness and despair will lift a little bit and I'm not sure who I will be once it does, but I know that I will always try to be the best wife and mother that I can be.  I know that is what Asher would want me to do.

Memories

Yesterday I sat and read an article in People Magazine about the families who lost there children in the Newtown school shooting and it really brought a wave of grieving back to me.  I know what these familes are going through.  They miss their children terribly.  They feel like life can't possibly go on.  That is how I feel everyday too.  There is a difference between those who have lost children a few years down the road and to what I am experiencing though.  I am not saying one is easier than the other because I am sure it is not.  It is just different.  Just like everyone grieves different and feels different.

These people have memories to look back on.  They have good memories of first smiles, first days of school, and all that in between.  I don't have many memories of Asher, and that ones that I do are not good.  I try and not think about them, but it is impossible.

My memories are of hearing his heartbeat for the last time.  Watching the nurse try to find his heartbeat while I was in labor.  The memory of the doctor telling me this baby is not alive.  The memory of going through labor never to hear my baby cry when he came out.  The memory of leaving him at the hospital and going home without him.  The physical ache in my arms that was supposed to be holding that sweet baby.  The milk that came in and there was no baby for me to feed.  The memory of his funeral and all the crying people who were here for us that day.  The memory of him lying in his casket to be put into the ground.  Those are my memories and nothing will ever change them.

I hope someday that I can hold a healthy live baby in my arms again and maybe some of those memories won't be so pronounced in my mind.  But I think about them every day and there is no escaping them.

I just prary soon my heart won't feel like it is in a million pieces.

Spring TIme

Well the weather is getting warmer and than means another season change which is really hard for me.  I have a love/hate relationship with the warmer weather.  I'm glad winter is gone, but with the warmer weather it means that summer is coming way too fast.  And with summer comes the month of July.  I don't want it to be a year since I lost Asher.  It just breaks my heart to think about that day.  I think about it everyday though.  I can't escape it.  I just wish there was something I could have known or done different.  I am trying to except things but it's so hard.  It seems like more and more people are announcing their pregnancies.  And that makes things extremely difficult for me.  I want to be the person who is pregnant too.

Even though I am scared to be pregnant again I know it is a risk I have to take if I want another baby in my arms.  I wanted to have another baby by the time Asher would have been one, then I miscarried.  Then I wanted to have a baby before my 30th birthday, and that chance came and went.  Now I just want to have a baby before the end of the year, and this is the last month that could possibly happen.  So here's to hoping it will.  My doctor put me on some fertility medication, so I hope that helps. 

Easter was hard, but I survived it.  Olivia had fun hunting and re-hunting Easter eggs.  We went to church which is still super hard for me.  I still haven't made it through a service without breaking into tears.  It is also hard for me to walk down that center aisle.  That may seem silly but I had to walk down that center aisle with a full church at Asher's funeral.  We went to visit Asher on Easter.  Olivia likes to go see him.  I still go almost everyday to see him.  I miss him so much. 

Sometimes it seems like the little things that are the hardest for me.  I used to love going clothes shopping for Olivia, but now it is hard for me.  I just look at all the cute clothes Asher is supposed to be wearing now.  I just want my baby back.  I hope soon I will get what I hope and dream for, and that is to be pregnant with another baby really soon.  Chris and I have talked that we don't have a set limit on how many kids we are going to have any more.  We just want more.  We don't care how big our house is we just want more kids in our lives.  And I know Olivia wants that too.  Every night she says her prayers and tells God to take good care of Asher and to please bless us with another baby soon.  God listens to children first, so I hope Olivia gets her prayers answered too.