It is so hard for me to believe it has almost been two years since Asher's death. It still seems like it was yesterday. The emotions and pain of this week has been tough. I am grieving like it was just yesterday. I miss him so much and wish he was here everyday. As much as I want him running around my house right now, if he was that means Saige would probably not be here. And I can't imagine life without here.
She has been a miracle and she has helped me heal. I look at her in her most innocent times like when she is sleeping and I see Asher all over again.
This week has also been hard because I feel like people are forgetting him. They are making plans for his birthday that aren't focused on his birthday. And I know life goes on. But at times mine is still stuck in that horrible pain of grief. It's so hard to climb out sometimes.
I do know that Asher's death has made me a better mother, wife, and hopefully friend. I want to be there for anyone during those hard times because I know how dark they can be and how much you can use a friend.
I also read a quote recently that pretty much summed up what has happen since his death. It said something like when you are dealing with the loss of a child it can make close friends into strangers and strangers into close friends. And it is so true. The nurse who was there when I delivered Asher and who was there to help with Saige has become and amazing friend. Our kids are friends and we like to hang out. I have also found that family isn't just blood. I have a few close friends who are more like family then some of my family. They check on me more than family does and make sure we are doing ok.
I thank Lacy, Brent, and Brandy for always thinking of us at this hard time with a special gift for Asher. This year it was a stuffed tractor that is so cute. It will go with all our Asher stuff. I have had so many texts and stuff from friends this week too.
If this week weren't stressful enough we are in the middle of selling out house. While I am super excited to be looking for a new house it is also very emotional for me. Every time I take a shower I think of Asher. It's a long story about why the shower makes me think of him. For a long time it was that shower that haunted me. I know we will find a special place just for Asher's things at the new house.
We are going to try to keep a low key day for tomorrow. We plan on going to visit Asher and release some balloons up to Heaven for him. We will probably also spend some time with family and friends.
Please just say a little prayer for my sweet sweet Asher as he celebrates his second birthday in Heaven. July 20, 2014
I have decided to do a post about each of my children leading up to Asher's 2nd Birthday in Heaven. So this post is all about Olivia.
Olivia is a free spirit. She has a mind of her own and she is not afraid to let you know what she thinks. Yes we have butted heads at time and sure we will in the future, but she has gotten me through some of the toughest times in my life.
I remember her sitting on my lap in the hosptial after Asher died and I was crying and she wiped my tears and told me it was going to be ok. She did this numerous times over the next few weeks. She was my rock the reason I got up in the morning. She made me smile while dancing to the Hot Dog Dance while watching Mickey Mouse after Asher died.
She loves Asher with all her heart and she kisses his stone when we go visit him.
She played t-ball this year and she played in the dirt. No one will ever forget her hitting the ball and picking up a handful of dirt on her way to first base. She will start preschool in August and she is super excited for that. I can't believe she is 4 years old already. The time has flown by. She loves the water and I have a feeling she will be swimming by the end of this summer. She is a great big sister and she can make Saige's face light up like no one else can.
I love listening to her exciment as she talks about the things she loves. She is a social butterfly who can make friends where ever she goes. Sure she may have attitude but she is the sweetest little girl. I can't wait to watch her grow and see who she chooses to become as she goes off to preschool and beyond. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up and she told me a doctor. I asked her who she wanted to take care of and she told me all people. I hope she goes on to do this because she is always thinking of others first. When I don't feel good or am sad she is always there to lend a helping hand and wipe away my tears.
I love you miss Olivia (attitude and all)!
I know I have written about this before. But I guess in my mind I always thought I would be Super Mom. The one with the clean house, the happy well behaved kids, and everything just perfect. But I guess that doesn't exsist.
We are going through some tough times with Olivia again. She has such an attitude. I know she gets it from me and we feed off of each other. I just don't know how to change it. I try not to yell at her but she knows just what buttons to push. I know she needs to be around kids more, but it is just hard to do with a baby around too. She is so dramatic. She throws herself on the floor like the world is ending. She can produce tears like that. She is currently into slamming and locking her bed room door. For the people who know me well you know my favotire show is Roseanne. And there is an episode where the daughter Becky (who is much older around 14) loses her bedroom door for slamming it. That is going to be us very soon. Where did my sweet child go? Don't get me wrong we have our good times. I love to play with her and read to her and take her swimming. But if it's not her way right now then it's melt down city. What can I do different? I get so frustrated and then I feel like a horrible mother and super guilty.
I feel like if this doesn't change she is going to think back on her childhood and realize it was not a happy time. I'm sure that is all in my head, but I want to make it better. Olivia just doens't understand that when Saige is hungry then she needs to be fed and such. All Olivia wants to do is watch TV or play on the computer. I tried to explain to her that it isn't good for her, but she cries and cries until I just give in because I want her to be quiet so I can have a break from her. We thought the swing set would help, but now she insits that she can't swing unless someone is pushing her. Major back fire!
We plan on spending lots of time at the pool just me and her. So I hope that helps. I try to spend just time with me and her, but it is hard when you are home all day with both girls. I guess we will continue to work on things.
Saige is doing good. Growing up too fast, she is 4 months old already. We seem to have a handle on her MSPI for now. She loves to kick and make noise. She "talks" her little talk all the time. She is such a joy to have around the hosue. Olivia loves her so much and Saige just lights up when Olivia is around. Our goal for Saige is to get her to sleep in her crib. She is fine in there to play for a little while, but she hates to sleep in there. We really need to work on it. But if we put her in there at bed time Olivia always says she makes too much noise. So we have some things to work on. I will talk to Saige's doctor about things on Monday when Saige goes in for her 4 month check up.
I find myself during these difficult time missing Asher like crazy. I know he is watching out for us. We went to visit him on Memorial Day and he had a little buddy hanging out with him. It was a toad. It scared me when it jumped before I knew it was there. I think Asher was playing tricks on his mommy. the toad didn't move away from Asher's stone the whole time we were out there. My mom also said when she was out there visiting Asher that his toy fire truck was moving and there was no wind that day. I think Asher is letting us know he is with us. I miss him so much and wish everyday I could have my baby boy with me. I just have to remind myself that Saige would not be here if Asher had lived. I know it's a crazy way to think of things. But Asher's death gave me my beautiful rainbow baby Saige and his death has changed me. And I hope it was for the better. I know I don't take things for granted anymore. I look at everyday as a gift.
And if you are listening Asher, please help me be a better mom to my girls and to you!
I can't believe it has been four years since I gave birth to Olivia. I remember going to the hospital to be induced. I was scared and didn't know what to expect at all. Was I cut out to be a mother? I hadn't had much experience with babies and now I was going to have one of my own. I was in labor for 19 hours. It was a long process and Olivia was born in the middle of the night at 3:15 to be exact. And it was such a great moment. Holding her for the first time was wonderful.
I remember Chris going out to tell the family that she had been born. In my head we hadn't picked out a name yet. We had it narrowed down to two. We were going to see what she looked like. So he gets back in the room and I ask him well what should we name her. He said oh I already told everyone that her name was Olivia Ann. So that is how she got her name. We knew her middle name would be Ann in honor of my sister who died when we were a day old.
She was 7 pounds and so great. To us she seemed so small I thought I would break her. I loved holding her and looking into her pretty eyes. She was perfect. Round head and that sweet little stork bite she had on her side.
I have been amazed at watching her grow up. I remember her sitting on my lap when she was very young poking at my cheeks telling me your so cute! She is so smart and talks so much and so well. Most people think she is much older than she is because you can have a conversation with her. I can't believe she will be going to pre-school in August. She has learned so much about life and death these last two years. More than any child should have to know, but she has been my rock. Without Olivia I wouldn't have made it through the death of Asher. I remember her doing the Mickey Mouse Hot Dog dance to cheer me up when I was sad. I remember her sitting on my hospital bed after I had Asher and she would wipe away my tears with her little hand and tell me it's ok. She has continuted to wipe away my tears when I am sad. She is such a caregiver. Always thinking of me first when I'm sad or hurt. We don't hide anything from her so we talk about Asher often.
And now she is a great big sister. She loves Saige will all her heart and soul and is always willing to help out with her. She loves to sing to Saige and tell Saige about Asher.
I would be lying if I say we never butt heads because we do. We are too much alike and have the same little attitude which I'm sure I will pay for when she is a teenager. But I love her dearly as she is my first born. She always knows how to bring a smile to my face. I love Olivia Ann Foley so much! I hope she has a great birthday!
Faith in God has been a big part of my life in the past year or so. I would be lying if I didn't say I was extremely angry with God after Asher died. I wanted to yell and scream at him for taking my precious baby from me. I didn't want to go to church I felt cheated by a God who was supposed to protect me. A God I prayed to every night when I was pregnant with Asher. A God who was supposed to make all my dreams come true.
While growing up I went to church and I knew it was important but I don't know how much I got out of it. In college and when I moved out of the house I didn't go to church much. I just didn't want to. I didn't like being "forced" in my own mind to go when I was growing up. I would have much rather slept in. But when I had Olivia I knew it was important for her to grow up in the church. I see high school kids today who have so much faith and I wish that would have been me growing up. Olivia loves going to church and Sunday School. She loves singing and reading her Bible. But after Asher died that all stopped.
I spoke with pastor a couple of times after his death and was told it's ok to be angry with God because he can take it. They told me to go into the sancuraty and just yell if I needed to. I never did that, but I was so angry. I felt anger towards everything and everyone. People told me that Asher was in better hands, that God needed him more than me. How could that possible be? I needed him. He was supposed to be with me. I did everything right. How was I supposed to pray now when obviously God didn't listen anyway.
But now almost two years later I know that God has a plan. We may not like it at the time but eventually we will understand. I still don't understand the why but maybe I never will. But God and Asher have made me a better person. I know that I need to not take life for granted and tell Olivia and Saige that I love them every second I get.
Saige was truely a blessing and we needed it at the time. I would be lying to say the pregnancy was not hard on me. I was waiting for her to die too. I did learn to pray again and I prayed and prayed she would arrive safely. I was a paranoid mess most of the pregnancy then in the last month something happend. I just let go. I didn't give up, but I was just calm. I knew God would take over for me. He already knew what was going to happen so I just let him have it. My doctor even asked me why I was the calm one when everyone else is a mess. And I just said I can't control it anyway so might as well be calm. And everything worked out great. I love Saige so much and I know Asher is looking down on us. He is espcially watching out for daddy with all those girls in his house.
Olivia even told my doctor she was going to marry a boy named Asher one day. Maybe she will. I know Asher will keep her and Saige safe.
I read this article a couple of days ago and I invite you to read it to. It descirpes stillbirth perfectly. It wasn't something that happened to me. It was something I was forced to participate in. I hated my body because I had Asher die inside of me and I still had to give birth to him knowing he wasn't alive. You arms really do ache to hold the baby you lost. The milk still comes in for no one. It is just really powerful.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/04/what-i-mean-when-i-say-my-daughter-was-stillborn/
I know I need to blog more. I hope by telling my story and my experiences that I am helping someone out there who may be on the beginning of there journey through loss. At this time in my journey I feel like it will be never ending. Even though things in life change a piece of my heart will always remain missing. I hate to admit it, but with the busy life I now have with Olivia and Saige sometimes I feel like I don't visit Asher enough or think of him every second like I used to. He is always in the back of my mind though and I kiss his picture every night before bed. I do still think of him and always will. My heart still aches from losing him.
I may be crazy but there have been a couple of times since bringing Saige home that I could have sworn I was holding Asher all over again. In the first couple of weeks I was awake in the middle of the night and I'm sure I was sleep deprived but I looked down and Saige and all I saw was Asher. Oh how I wish I could hold him again. Then just yesterday Saige was sleeping in her bassinet and I could see Asher laying in his casket all over again. I know my mind is playing tricks on me. Maybe I miss him so much that I think I see him I don't know.
Things with Olivia are getting easier. She is very helpful, sometimes too helpful. She isn't acting out as much any more, but when she does it is usually a good fight. It helps that she can go outside now. We like to take walks and play outside.
Things with Saige are slowly getting better. She has been diagnosed with MSPI so her body doesn't know the difference between food and bad things. So she is growing due to her formula already being pre digested in a sense. We go back to her GI doctor in a couple of weeks to see how she is doing. She seems to be eating a little bit more at a time and she has slept for a couple 4 hour stretches at night. I just hate seeing her in so much pain when she eats. She also now has to go see a Physical Therapist. She has a flat spot on her head and also tight neck muscles. So we hope we can get that taken care of too. She is just a stubborn baby when it comes to some things. It is so crazy how different two babies can be. Olivia was so easy. She had some sleeping issues but those were my fault. But Saige is completely different. We are trying to get her used to her crib now and that is rough she just cries and cries in there.
I have learned not to keep my emotions in well I'm trying anyway. There are things that bother me and I just keep things bottled up. But if you don't tell the other person what you are thinking or feeling nothing gets better and bad feeling occur. It has to do with not getting enough sleep and that makes me irritable and grumpy at times. I feel like my body is finally getting used to it though. Marriage is something that is a daily thing you have to work on. Chris and I have been through so much that we aren't going to give up. We have been to hell and are on our way back. We are doing it together. Statics show that the loss of a child can increase the risk of couples breaking up. We are not going to be that statistic. We are going to continue to talk through things and work together. We are not sure if we will have more kids in the future. It will be a ways off for sure if we decide to though! I really want a boy. And maybe I am being selfish but I want my baby boy.
I am back to work. I am only working two days a week so it is not too bad. The girls are in good hands when I am at work though. I have been applying for other jobs. I need to be able to make more money to better support my family. But so far all I have gotten is rejection letter after rejection letter. I know God has a plan for me. I am just taking things one day at a time and hope we survive. We are so lucky to have such a wonderful family to help us out financially when we need it. I just hate asking for help all the time. It was a tough choice to only go back to work part time. But we just could not afford daycare at this time. It's so expensive.
We have a busy May ahead of us. Olivia is going to be turning 4 years old. How can that be possible? When did my first born become a child? She is so great! She is full of energy and knowledge. She is so smart most times she knows more than she should. I feel she knows more about life and death than she should, but it has made her super compassionate. Also Saige will be baptized in May. It's going to be an emotional time for us but also bitter sweet. She is my rainbow baby and so it is only fitting that we are having a rainbow themed party afterwards for her. It will be a celebration of Saige and also an honoring of Asher at the same time.
We decorated Asher's grave for Easter. I need to get out there and take some pictures of it. I am still on medication to try and keep my emotions in check. I'm not afraid to admit it. Sometimes you just need a little help. I am super afraid to go off my medication though. I don't know how I will react. I want to try and better myself by losing some weight. But I don't know where to begin. I'm not big on exercise and I'm not big on cooking. I know too many excuses. I just need to find the time to get going.
Sorry it has taken me so long to update my blog. Life as we know it has gotten crazy with the lack of sleep and a crazy 3 year old. As many of you know Saige Ashlyn Foley was born on February 6th at 9:45 at night. She entered the world with her cord wrapped around her neck and refusing to cry. She was fine, but they worried about her breathing for a day or so. She was 6 pounds and 1 ounce and was 18.5 inches long. By the time we had left the hospital she was down to 5 pounds and 11 ounces. We did not know what to do with a baby so small. We quickly relied on family to find us preemie diapers and clothes that fit her.
Deliver went well she pretty much came out on her own as my doctor wasn't quite ready for her to come. He was telling some story. If you were to know my doctor this is pretty normal. I love him dearly and he spent many hours while I was in labor with my family telling stories and jokes. I had tested positive Group B Strep so I was on antibiotic while in labor. I was induced that morning at 9 so labor took a little while. I also was blessed to have the same nurse with me to help deliver Saige as was there when I had Asher. It was so nice to share in this happy time with her.
Bringing Saige home was such a joy to all of us. I was trying to be Super Mom, but I'm just not her I guess. Others make it look so easy. As much as I love Olivia she has been a bit challenging at times because she has way more energy than I do and since we have the same personality we can butt heads sometimes. I really like sleep so not having that sleep has been hard on me. Oh well it was all worth it.
Saige is growing good ant is now almost 8 pounds. She has had some trouble with digesting and stuff so we are on our fourth different kind of formula with her. We hope to get it straighten out soon because it is super hard to see her cry in pain when she has a tummy ache. We will be getting her baptized sometime soon.
Things have been emotional. I still miss Asher like crazy and I find myself feeling guilty for not going to see him at the cemetery as much as I like. I still think about him all the time, but now my mind has to focus on Saige and Olivia. I know he understands though. He is watching down on us. I know he is probably laughing at his dad having to deal with all these girls in the house!
I will try to keep everyone more up to date. I hope things can settle down and the weather can warm up so I can send Olivia outside!
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