Faith in God

Faith in God has been a big part of my life in the past year or so.  I would be lying if I didn't say I was extremely angry with God after Asher died.  I wanted to yell and scream at him for taking my precious baby from me.  I didn't want to go to church I felt cheated by a God who was supposed to protect me.  A God I prayed to every night when I was pregnant with Asher. A God who was supposed to make all my dreams come true.

While growing up I went to church and I knew it was important but I don't know how much I got out of it.  In college and when I moved out of the house I didn't go to church much.  I just didn't want to.  I didn't like being "forced" in my own mind to go when I was growing up.  I would have much rather slept in.  But when I had Olivia I knew it was important for her to grow up in the church.  I see high school kids today who have so much faith and I wish that would have been me growing up.  Olivia loves going to church and Sunday School.  She loves singing and reading her Bible.  But after Asher died that all stopped.

I spoke with pastor a couple of times after his death and was told it's ok to be angry with God because he can take it.  They told me to go into the sancuraty and just yell if I needed to.  I never did that, but I was so angry.  I felt anger towards everything and everyone.  People told me that Asher was in better hands, that God needed him more than me.  How could that possible be?  I needed him.  He was supposed to be with me.  I did everything right.  How was I supposed to pray now when obviously God didn't listen anyway.

But now almost two years later I know that God has a plan.  We may not like it at the time but eventually we will understand.  I still don't understand the why but maybe I never will.  But God and Asher have made me a better person.  I know that I need to not take life for granted and tell Olivia and Saige that I love them every second I get.

Saige was truely a blessing and we needed it at the time.  I would be lying to say the pregnancy was not hard on me.  I was waiting for her to die too.  I did learn to pray again and I prayed and prayed she would arrive safely.  I was a paranoid mess most of the pregnancy then in the last month something happend.  I just let go.  I didn't give up, but I was just calm.  I knew God would take over for me.  He already knew what was going to happen so I just let him have it.  My doctor even asked me why I was the calm one when everyone else is a mess.  And I just said I can't control it anyway so might as well be calm.  And everything worked out great.  I love Saige so much and I know Asher is looking down on us.  He is espcially watching out for daddy with all those girls in his house. 

Olivia even told my doctor she was going to marry a boy named Asher one day.  Maybe she will.  I know Asher will keep her and Saige safe.

I read this article a couple of days ago and I invite you to read it to.  It descirpes stillbirth perfectly.  It wasn't something that happened to me.  It was something I was forced to participate in.  I hated my body because I had Asher die inside of me and I still had to give birth to him knowing he wasn't alive.  You arms really do ache to hold the baby you lost.  The milk still comes in for no one.  It is just really powerful.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/04/what-i-mean-when-i-say-my-daughter-was-stillborn/