Thanksgivng

Well another Holiday season is upon us.  I am having trouble this year.  We sold our house so most of our stuff is in storage.  So I'm not completely sure where Asher's decorations for his grave are.  I want to put up his Charlie Brown Christmas tree so I need to look for it.  I am also feeling really guilty that I don't go visit him as often as I used to.  I know he is always in my heart and thoughts but it still isn't the same to me.  I just need to get out there for a visit.  I still miss him so much.  I don't know if the pain will ever go away.  Thanksgiving is especially hard for me because I found out I was pregnant with Asher the Saturday after Thanksgiving in 2011.  Then in 2012 after I had lost Asher I had to have a D & C the week of Thanksgiving for my miscarriage.  I wanted to be pregnant so bad so that was a huge blow to my already broken heart.

I am so thankful this year for Olivia and now Miss Saige.  Saige is growing so fast and it makes me sad that I will soon be planning her 1st Birthday.  She is almost 10 months old and completely different than Olivia was.  Saige is into everything and just starting to be mobile.  She wants to be walking so bad but for now she has perfected the butt scoot.  She will go in circles to get where she wants to be and then get on one knee and pull herself into trouble.  She is into everything.  Nothing is safe with her.  Olivia was never like that.  I always said when I was pregnant with Asher that he would be trouble.  And after he died I always felt super guilty about saying that.  Maybe this is Asher getting me back for that.  I know he is watching out for us and enjoying watching Saige grow up.

We have had a lot of changes in the last few months with selling our house and Olivia going to school.  I am soon going to be starting to look for full time work.  I want to wait until Olivia is in school all day so I only have to find daycare for Saige.  But I love the time I get to spend with Saige.  I don't want to miss those first steps and first words.  I was home with Olivia her first 9 months so I am glad I get to spend these days with Saige.

One more Thanksgiving meal to go today and then looking on to Christmas.  It will be hard like it always is, but I am also excited to see Saige open her first gifts and Olivia is really starting to understand the meaning of Christmas and all that.  So this year will be fun.  I will visit Asher like always and know that he is there with us on Christmas and always.

Change of Seasons

For those who have followed me on my grief journey they know that for some reason when the seasons change it is always really hard on me.  I'm not sure why.  Fall is here it is getting darker earlier and I guess I have more time at home to think.  I don't know why it is so emotional for me when the next season comes.  And it is equally as hard since the holidays are coming up.  It's hard because Asher is again not here to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas with us.  I know he is having a much better Holiday season up in Heaven though.

We have been having a lot of "firsts" in our house lately.  Olivia went to her first friend birthday party, she went to her first Junior Cheer Camp, and then cheered at her first football game. Oh and I can't forget her first school picture, which turned out really good.  I love seeing all her firsts.  She is such an amazing little girl with a bright imagination.  She always comes up with something to make me laugh and smile when I am feeling down.

As bitter sweet as the holidays are for me, I am excited to get to experience all the "firsts" with Saige.  Her first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  She is going to be into everything by Thanksgiving.  She is so close to crawling! (If she doesn't walk first).  She got her first two teeth already and they are sharp.  She is going to experience her first pumpkin patch today.  She went to her first football game a couple weeks ago.  I have to remember all these firsts because they will not happen again.

It makes me sad that I never got to do the "firsts" with Asher.  I would give anything to have him here with us.  We will just continue to go visit him and celebrate the holidays with him like we always do.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month so it is a special time to remember him.  There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of him.  I look at his picture every night before bed.  Olivia has been talking about him a lot lately so she has decided we are going to get him a pumpkin today at the pumpkin patch and I know he will love it.

I will continue to take things one day at a time because that is all I can do.  This journey is a roller coaster and there are times when I never know if I'm going to be up or down.

Life Goes On

Some weeks go better than others in our house.  And there are times when you just wish life would stop so you could catch your breath but it doesn't.  Life always seems to keep going.  There is never enough time in the day to get all the things done you need to, there is never enough money in the account to pay all those bills that are hanging over your head.  But the last couple of weeks have been tough than others.

I still get caught up in the what ifs, and what could of beens.  I still get jealous when I see someone has had a baby boy.  I just want my baby boy.  I really want to have another baby to try for that boy.  I know right now is not that right time with Saige being so little still and financially we can't handle another one.  But I do hope in a couple of years I will find a good paying job that maybe we can try for another one.

I just miss Asher so much and I know that will never go away but it is just harder this week.  I think it comes with the changing season.  It always seems to get to me.  Olivia hasn't helped either.  It seems like she has been acting up again.  She has had to put her head down twice at school this week.  I wish I knew what was going on with her.  We will find out at parent/teacher conferences on Tuesday.  I know she is a good girl I just want her to be respectful and listen to her teacher.  She has trouble listening to me most days.  We have started giving her consequences for her actions and she will lose things that she likes to do.  So far it is going ok.  Olivia has also been talking about Asher a lot this past week.  We talk about him sometimes, but this is all on her own bringing him up.  She came to me this week with tears in her eyes after a bad day at school where she had to put her head down.  I thought she was upset about that.  But she told me she missed Asher.  I told her I missed Asher too.  She then told me she wanted to go see him.  I told her we could go to the cemetery and see him this weekend.  Olivia told me she didn't want to go see his stone she wanted to go see him for real.  I then had to go into the whole thing about how Asher was in heaven and that we couldn't go see him but that Asher was always in our hearts and that we could look at the picture of him.  But that wasn't good enough she wanted to go to Heaven to see him.  I told her it would be awhile before we could go to Heaven to see Asher.  Olivia then looked at me with those tear filled eyes and told me that it was just taking to long to get to Heaven.  Yes Olivia it is.  But we just have to wait even thought waiting is oh so hard to do.  But the day when we finally get to go to Heaven will be wonderful when I can hold Asher in my arms again.

Saige has been doing good.  She is growing so fast.  She loves her baby food and eats so much.  She has also been challenging with her teeth coming in and her not feeling well.  She cries a lot more lately than she used to.  But one night when she was asleep in my arms it was like holding Asher all over again.  It has happened to me a few times with her when I could have sworn I was holding Asher instead of Saige.  She looks so much like him.  I so wish Asher was running around our house with Olivia and Saige.  Saige just learned how to clap her hands and it is super cute.  I keep trying to get it on video but she always stops when I try to do it.  Oh well I guess I will keep trying.

Olivia is learning so much in pre-kindergarten.  She made me so proud when the other day she recited the pledge of allegence.  I didn't even know if they still said that in school but I am so glad they do.

So as life keeps going on I will hang on for the ride and know that life will always have it's ups and downs for my family.  Olivia will always know too much about life and death and that part of her innocence left when Asher died.  But she keeps me going just like Saige keeps me going.  I know things will get better financially at least I hope so.  I am tired of worrying about money and bills.  I wish they could magically go away.  I just continue to pray that things will work out.

First Day of Pre-K

I just realized I forgot to post this!

Well we survived it, more like I survived it, Olivia's first day of Pre-K which was already a week and a half ago.  I'm not sure what Olivia was thinking on that day.  I had been trying to get her really excited to go.  But the week before she would have "tummy aches."  I finally asked her if she was nervous about starting school, and she said she was.  I'm not even sure she knows what nervous is.  Anyway we took her to her open house and she met her teacher, who just happens to be the same teacher I had in kindergarten, so I know she is in good hands.  She was shown where she would hang her back, her spot on the circle rug and which chair she would sit in (a yellow one).  So the day came and we walked her to school and she was excited to do some puzzles and I was excited to hear about her day.  I only shed one tear so I was pretty proud of myself.  I will save the water works for Kindergarten I think.  I was kind of looking forward to having a small break from her during the day.  Don't get me wrong I love her to death, but she can get on my nerves sometimes.

So Chris and I go to pick her up from the first day and she won't say much, but man is she grumpy.  Finally we got out of her what she thought of school and all she would say was it was kind of boring.  Man we are in trouble if she thinks Pre-K is boring.  So the next day she says the same thing.  But this week she sounded like she had fun.  She got to paint and go to the library and bring home a book.  She informed me I had to keep the book in a special place so the dog wouldn't eat it.

I ask her about her day after school everyday and I don't know if what she is telling me really happened.  Some of it sounds pretty made up to me, it's like she is creating her own language.  I figure if she tells me the same thing two days in a row then I will believe it!  I just want to follow her around for a day to see what she actually does.

When she gets home from school she is always super hungry, so I guess that means I will need to get more snacks in the house.  She has also had some trouble going to sleep a couple of nights.  But I think we got that taken care of, at least I hope.

Saige is enjoying the mommy and me time.  I am enjoying it too since she mainly naps when Olivia is at school so I can nap too!!  Saige's face lights up into the biggest smile when she see's Olivia come out of school each day.  She misses her big sister that is for sure.  And I know Asher is looking down on Olivia and keeping her safe on the playground and every where she goes.  I know when what should of been his first day of school rolls around I will for sure be a mess.  But we can cross that bridge when it comes.

Saige is now rolling from her back to her tummy.  And she does it all the time.  I know she knows how to roll the other way too, but she has figured out that if she screams someone will come get her.  She still isn't sleeping through the night I try to let her cry it out which breaks my heart, but Olivia wakes up and starts screaming to come get her.  So that is not working.  Olivia is kind of a light sleeper so we will get there.

The sell of the house is still moving along.  We still don't have anything planned on what house we will buy.  We have one we like, but we need to save some money for a couple of months first.  I can't wait for the girls to have their own rooms and own space.  I still want another baby, really want that boy, but that is still up for debate and for sure at least a year down the road.  I have some doctor changes coming my way so we will see how that goes when the time comes.

Summer is coming to an end and I am excited for the things that fall will bring for us.  Moving to a new house hopefully and Olivia will be starting soccer and Sunday school again.  Even though she is only in Pre-K we will for sure be busy parents as I want her to be as involved as she wants to be.  She is officially a Rocket!!!

Two years

It is so hard for me to believe it has almost been two years since Asher's death.  It still seems like it was yesterday.  The emotions and pain of this week has been tough.  I am grieving like it was just yesterday.  I miss him so much and wish he was here everyday.  As much as I want him running around my house right now, if he was that means Saige would probably not be here.  And I can't imagine life without here.


She has been a miracle and she has helped me heal.  I look at her in her most innocent times like when she is sleeping and I see Asher all over again. 


This week has also been hard because I feel like people are forgetting him.  They are making plans for his birthday that aren't focused on his birthday.  And I know life goes on.  But at times mine is still stuck in that horrible pain of grief.  It's so hard to climb out sometimes.


I do know that Asher's death has made me a better mother, wife, and hopefully friend.  I want to be there for anyone during those hard times because I know how dark they can be and how much you can use a friend.


I also read a quote recently that pretty much summed up what has happen since his death.  It said something like when you are dealing with the loss of a child it can make close friends into strangers and strangers into close friends.  And it is so true.  The nurse who was there when I delivered Asher and who was there to help with Saige has become and amazing friend.  Our kids are friends and we like to hang out.  I have also found that family isn't just blood.  I have a few close friends who are more like family then some of my family.  They check on me more than family does and make sure we are doing ok.


I thank Lacy, Brent, and Brandy for always thinking of us at this hard time with a special gift for Asher.  This year it was a stuffed tractor that is so cute.  It will go with all our Asher stuff.  I have had so many texts and stuff from friends this week too.


If this week weren't stressful enough we are in the middle of selling out house.  While I am super excited to be looking for a new house it is also very emotional for me.  Every time I take a shower I think of Asher.  It's a long story about why the shower makes me think of him.  For a long time it was that shower that haunted me.  I know we will find a special place just for Asher's things at the new house.


We are going to try to keep a low key day for tomorrow.  We plan on going to visit Asher and release some balloons up to Heaven for him.  We will probably also spend some time with family and friends.


Please just say a little prayer for my sweet sweet Asher as he celebrates his second birthday in Heaven.  July 20, 2014

My Sweet Olivia

I have decided to do a post about each of my children leading up to Asher's 2nd Birthday in Heaven.  So this post is all about Olivia.

Olivia is a free spirit.  She has a mind of her own and she is not afraid to let you know what she thinks.  Yes we have butted heads at time and sure we will in the future, but she has gotten me through some of the toughest times in my life.

I remember her sitting on my lap in the hosptial after Asher died and I was crying and she wiped my tears and told me it was going to be ok.  She did this numerous times over the next few weeks.  She was my rock the reason I got up in the morning.  She made me smile while dancing to the Hot Dog Dance while watching Mickey Mouse after Asher died.

She loves Asher with all her heart and she kisses his stone when we go visit him. 

She played t-ball this year and she played in the dirt.  No one will ever forget her hitting the ball and picking up a handful of dirt on her way to first base.  She will start preschool in August and she is super excited for that.  I can't believe she is 4 years old already.  The time has flown by.  She loves the water and I have a feeling she will be swimming by the end of this summer.  She is a great big sister and she can make Saige's face light up like no one else can.

I love listening to her exciment as she talks about the things she loves.  She is a social butterfly who can make friends where ever she goes.  Sure she may have attitude but she is the sweetest little girl.  I can't wait to watch her grow and see who she chooses to become as she goes off to preschool and beyond.  I asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up and she told me a doctor.  I asked her who she wanted to take care of and she told me all people.  I hope she goes on to do this because she is always thinking of others first.  When I don't feel good or am sad she is always there to lend a helping hand and wipe away my tears.

I love you miss Olivia (attitude and all)!

What am I doing wrong?

I know I have written about this before.  But I guess in my mind I always thought I would be Super Mom.  The one with the clean house, the happy well behaved kids, and everything just perfect.  But I guess that doesn't exsist.

We are going through some tough times with Olivia again.  She has such an attitude.  I know she gets it from me and we feed off of each other.  I just don't know how to change it.  I try not to yell at her but she knows just what buttons to push.  I know she needs to be around kids more, but it is just hard to do with a baby around too.  She is so dramatic.  She throws herself on the floor like the world is ending.  She can produce tears like that.  She is currently into slamming and locking her bed room door.  For the people who know me well you know my favotire show is Roseanne.  And there is an episode where the daughter Becky (who is much older around 14) loses her bedroom door for slamming it.  That is going to be us very soon.  Where did my sweet child go?  Don't get me wrong we have our good times.  I love to play with her and read to her and take her swimming.  But if it's not her way right now then it's melt down city.  What can I do different?  I get so frustrated and then I feel like a horrible mother and super guilty.

I feel like if this doesn't change she is going to think back on her childhood and realize it was not a happy time.  I'm sure that is all in my head, but I want to make it better.  Olivia just doens't understand that when Saige is hungry then she needs to be fed and such.  All Olivia wants to do is watch TV or play on the computer.  I tried to explain to her that it isn't good for her, but she cries and cries until I just give in because I want her to be quiet so I can have a break from her.  We thought the swing set would help, but now she insits that she can't swing unless someone is pushing her.  Major back fire!

We plan on spending lots of time at the pool just me and her.  So I hope that helps.  I try to spend just time with me and her, but it is hard when you are home all day with both girls.  I guess we will continue to work on things.

Saige is doing good.  Growing up too fast, she is 4 months old already.  We seem to have a handle on her MSPI for now.  She loves to kick and make noise.  She "talks" her little talk all the time.  She is such a joy to have around the hosue.  Olivia loves her so much and Saige just lights up when Olivia is around.  Our goal for Saige is to get her to sleep in her crib.  She is fine in there to play for a little while, but she hates to sleep in there.  We really need to work on it.  But if we put her in there at bed time Olivia always says she makes too much noise.  So we have some things to work on.  I will talk to Saige's doctor about things on Monday when Saige goes in for her 4 month check up. 

I find myself during these difficult time missing Asher like crazy.  I know he is watching out for us.  We went to visit him on Memorial Day and he had a little buddy hanging out with him.  It was a toad.  It scared me when it jumped before I knew it was there.  I think Asher was playing tricks on his mommy.  the toad didn't move away from Asher's stone the whole time we were out there.  My mom also said when she was out there visiting Asher that his toy fire truck was moving and there was no wind that day.  I think Asher is letting us know he is with us.  I miss him so much and wish everyday I could have my baby boy with me.  I just have to remind myself that Saige would not be here if Asher had lived.  I know it's a crazy way to think of things.  But Asher's death gave me my beautiful rainbow baby Saige and his death has changed me.  And I hope it was for the better.  I know I don't take things for granted anymore.  I look at everyday as a gift.

And if you are listening Asher, please help me be a better mom to my girls and to you!