Sorry I haven't written in awhile. It seems like life has been so busy lately. When I am not busy I am so tired and sore to do much. I am excited and terrified to say that I only have ten days left until I am going to be induced and will meet my baby. Things are still going well. I had two doctors appointments today. The baby was doing good and actually let us see part of his/her face today, which is more than we usually see. I have a lot of good foot pictures though. This one likes to snuggle up by my right hip and hide. My fluid level was at a 13 and the heart beat was around 154. That was all done at my high risk doctor's office. I will go back there one more time next Monday for one final growth scan to see how big the baby is. A few weeks ago the baby was four and a half pounds. So I'm guessing he/she will be close to six next Monday, or at least that is what I am hoping for.
I have also been seeing my regular OB Dr. Byington twice a week for a few weeks now. The nurses there are like family and Olivia knows them all by name. She loves to go with me and hold my hand. I have been having non stress tests along with exams and shots. The non stress tests are good I get to lay and listen to the heart beat and record the babies movements. It helps me to feel reassured that everything is going good. It's killer on my back though. But I will take any pain with this pregnancy as long as I get to bring this baby home in my arms. This past Friday I was dilated to 2 cm already. My doctor said don't do anything stupid and stay close to home. Today he didn't check me but said he "thinks" I will make it to my induction date. I go back to see him on Friday so I will make sure he checks me again.
I have had my phone interview with the hospital and put in my special requests. Such as I do not want to be in room 452, which is where Asher was born. They were super nice about it and said they will put me on a completely different hall way. I also requested to have the same nurse help to deliver this baby that delivered Asher. I want her there for this joy after all the heartache we have been through. Nurse Jennifer was so sweet to trade days with another nurse so she can hopefully be there. So hopefully we can hold on until 7 pm when she comes on duty. The hospital also knows how anxious I am about this whole thing and they said they will help me any way they can. I just don't know how I am going to react once I step foot on that floor.
We are getting all prepared for the baby at home. The crib is up and the sheets and clothes are washed and ready to go. The changing table is ready. We just need to get the car seat in the car. It is very strange getting this all ready. We had none of this done when Asher was coming. We packed the diaper bag and shed a few tears as we put in the going home outfit. For the going home outfit we packed for Asher was the one he was buried in. It's all bitter sweet. I am still very scared and I go through moments when I am sure that this baby is going to die too. I pray to God everyday that does not happen because I don't think I could handle it.
So far things are going good but they were with Asher too. It seems like no words of comfort people give me help. In the back of my mind I am like it was the same with Asher too. I am being watched so close though. I just have to keep taking things day by day and keep thinking positively.
I am officially on maternity leave now. My doctor wanted me to rest and really focus on the baby's movements and focus on what I am feeling. That means Olivia is home with me too. I feel like a bad mother saying this but I hope we survive our time together. I love her dearly but sometimes she makes me really frustrated. I am going to try to keep my cool. We have special plans for learning time and art and cooking projects. I hope we don't drive each other crazy. We have the same attitude and personality already so we butt heads sometimes. Which is crazy to say about a 3 year old. I try to reason with her and Chris is always like you are wasting your breath she is 3. We are going to work on our manners and not talking back. She is really into saying "that's not fair" so that will have to leave the house too. We will get through it. She is going to be a great big sister and she is super excited to have the baby come home with us.
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we are coming to a close on this pregnancy and beginning out new journey. It has been a long 35 weeks so far, but I never thought I would make it this far. The prayers are appreciated and please really pray for us February 5th as I'm sure to be really crazy that day and also as I am induced on February 6th. I will try to post updates as soon as I can, but I will probably keep most of the updates off Facebook in case something were to go wrong.
10 days seems like so far away....
Monday, January 27, 2014
Thursday, December 5, 2013
28 Weeks the Holidays and Stuff
Well a lot has been going on in my house I guess. I know I should have updated this a long long time ago, but sometimes I just don't know how to put into words how I feel. Olivia is keeping me increasingly busy this month. I don't think I have a free weekend until January. Well and my two wonderful doctors are also keeping my Mondays full and probably more appointments to come, but more on that later.
So the holiday season as you can imagine is one that is still really tough on me. The weather doesn't help, espcially when it goes from 60 degrees to 10 in two days. I always have trouble with the season change and more darkness means more time to think. Olivia and I decorated Asher's grave the other morning and it looks good. We still need to put up his little Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It's tough on me to not be able to see him much. I do try to drive threw the cemetery a few times a week, but it isn't the same as getting out and going to touch his stone.
Thanksgivng came and went we had three of them. My doctor said I gained 7 pounds I said give me a break! This year was a little better than last year. Last year I was dealing with it being the first "real" holiday since Asher died and I was also recovering from a D & C after having a miscarriage that week. But this Thanksgiving I turned 27 weeks, which means 10 weeks to go until I am induced with Baby Foley.
We are so happy that things are still going good with Baby Foley. Some of you may know what I am having and that's fine. I am still trying to keep it under wraps a little bit. We also already have a name picked out. I am scheduled to be induced on February 6th when I am 37 weeks along. I can't wait to hold this baby in my arms. But I still have a strong fear that something is going to go wrong. I was put on some antiaxiety medication to help with all that, but I still worry pretty much constantly. I mean how can I not. Everything was fine with Asher two days before he was born into Heaven. I will feel a little bit at ease once I hear this baby cry. But knowing me that will not stop the worry. There are so many things to worry about as a parent.
Olivia had strep and a sinus infection a couple weeks ago and I felt so bad I didn't take her to the doctor sooner so I worried about her. Since Asher's death I check on her multiple times a night to make sure she is still breathing and it ok. I also had the stomach flu last week, that wasn't fun. I got dehydrated and was really weak. Now I have a cold. I just want to feel better.
Like I said Baby Foley is still doing great. He/She is a stubborn thing, always hiding it's face when it's time for an ultrasound. The baby moves around a lot but is completly backwards it's active all day and then once it's bed time it sleeps. Which makes me super nervous because when I can't sleep I lay awake wondering if the baby is ok. I don't think I have slept good for a couple months now. I just can't seem to sleep. I really want to sleep though. I am still seeing my regular OB and a high risk doctor. I see one of the doctors each week and then I still get my shots twice a week which I will take until the end. My high risk doctor will start monitoring more often once I hit 35 weeks and my regular OB is going to start monitoring me twice a week once I hit 31 weeks I believe. So I will be seeing a lot of my doctors. I love all the nurses too they let me listen to the heartbeat whenever I want to. I am checking my blood sugar four times a day to monitor for gestational diabetes. I'm not sure if I have it or not, but I am border line. I am also on some iron pills. The baby is sucking all the iron out of me. Somedays I feel like a walking medicine cabinet. Chris listens to the baby every night by putting his ear to my stomach. He talks to the baby and last night it was punching his ear.
Olivia is so excited for the baby to come. She said the other night she wants to take it out in the snow. I tried to explain to her that it couldn't go in the snow because it was too cold and she just said well you can wrap it in a blanket. She is too smart for her own good most of the time. We are getting ready for her dance recital, which is on December 14th. She is super excited to be a reindeer. I can't wait to see her dance. This month will be her last month of dance which makes me sad but it is too hard on us to get up there once a week and right now twice a week for class when I am already going to Lincoln so much. And pretty soon we just won't be able to afford it any more. She also has a Christmas Program at church which she is excited about. She is growing up so fast. I'm not sure we are going to see Santa this year she is pretty much dead set on not seeing him and I don't want to scare her. She has asked for a doll house and she is getting a big one. She is going to be so excited.
Also to add to my busy schedule I have decided to become and Independent Designer for Origami Owl Living Lockets. They are super cool lcokets that you can personalize yourself with little charms. I love the one I have because I can have both things that remind me of Olivia and Asher in the same locket and soon to be the new baby. I am excited to host my launch party this weekend and people seem to be responding well to it. It's super important to make something that is all your own and wear it with pride.
I will try to update more often as things get closer to baby time and as the holidays calm down. But until them please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we go through another holiday without our sweet baby Asher. And also for a good out come with my pregnancy and birth.
So the holiday season as you can imagine is one that is still really tough on me. The weather doesn't help, espcially when it goes from 60 degrees to 10 in two days. I always have trouble with the season change and more darkness means more time to think. Olivia and I decorated Asher's grave the other morning and it looks good. We still need to put up his little Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It's tough on me to not be able to see him much. I do try to drive threw the cemetery a few times a week, but it isn't the same as getting out and going to touch his stone.
Thanksgivng came and went we had three of them. My doctor said I gained 7 pounds I said give me a break! This year was a little better than last year. Last year I was dealing with it being the first "real" holiday since Asher died and I was also recovering from a D & C after having a miscarriage that week. But this Thanksgiving I turned 27 weeks, which means 10 weeks to go until I am induced with Baby Foley.
We are so happy that things are still going good with Baby Foley. Some of you may know what I am having and that's fine. I am still trying to keep it under wraps a little bit. We also already have a name picked out. I am scheduled to be induced on February 6th when I am 37 weeks along. I can't wait to hold this baby in my arms. But I still have a strong fear that something is going to go wrong. I was put on some antiaxiety medication to help with all that, but I still worry pretty much constantly. I mean how can I not. Everything was fine with Asher two days before he was born into Heaven. I will feel a little bit at ease once I hear this baby cry. But knowing me that will not stop the worry. There are so many things to worry about as a parent.
Olivia had strep and a sinus infection a couple weeks ago and I felt so bad I didn't take her to the doctor sooner so I worried about her. Since Asher's death I check on her multiple times a night to make sure she is still breathing and it ok. I also had the stomach flu last week, that wasn't fun. I got dehydrated and was really weak. Now I have a cold. I just want to feel better.
Like I said Baby Foley is still doing great. He/She is a stubborn thing, always hiding it's face when it's time for an ultrasound. The baby moves around a lot but is completly backwards it's active all day and then once it's bed time it sleeps. Which makes me super nervous because when I can't sleep I lay awake wondering if the baby is ok. I don't think I have slept good for a couple months now. I just can't seem to sleep. I really want to sleep though. I am still seeing my regular OB and a high risk doctor. I see one of the doctors each week and then I still get my shots twice a week which I will take until the end. My high risk doctor will start monitoring more often once I hit 35 weeks and my regular OB is going to start monitoring me twice a week once I hit 31 weeks I believe. So I will be seeing a lot of my doctors. I love all the nurses too they let me listen to the heartbeat whenever I want to. I am checking my blood sugar four times a day to monitor for gestational diabetes. I'm not sure if I have it or not, but I am border line. I am also on some iron pills. The baby is sucking all the iron out of me. Somedays I feel like a walking medicine cabinet. Chris listens to the baby every night by putting his ear to my stomach. He talks to the baby and last night it was punching his ear.
Olivia is so excited for the baby to come. She said the other night she wants to take it out in the snow. I tried to explain to her that it couldn't go in the snow because it was too cold and she just said well you can wrap it in a blanket. She is too smart for her own good most of the time. We are getting ready for her dance recital, which is on December 14th. She is super excited to be a reindeer. I can't wait to see her dance. This month will be her last month of dance which makes me sad but it is too hard on us to get up there once a week and right now twice a week for class when I am already going to Lincoln so much. And pretty soon we just won't be able to afford it any more. She also has a Christmas Program at church which she is excited about. She is growing up so fast. I'm not sure we are going to see Santa this year she is pretty much dead set on not seeing him and I don't want to scare her. She has asked for a doll house and she is getting a big one. She is going to be so excited.
Also to add to my busy schedule I have decided to become and Independent Designer for Origami Owl Living Lockets. They are super cool lcokets that you can personalize yourself with little charms. I love the one I have because I can have both things that remind me of Olivia and Asher in the same locket and soon to be the new baby. I am excited to host my launch party this weekend and people seem to be responding well to it. It's super important to make something that is all your own and wear it with pride.
I will try to update more often as things get closer to baby time and as the holidays calm down. But until them please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we go through another holiday without our sweet baby Asher. And also for a good out come with my pregnancy and birth.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Goodbye to my 20s
In a couple of days (October 7th) I will be saying goodbye to my 20s. Some of those years were good and some were not good at all. I know I have grown up a ton and learned more about life and death then I ever thought I would have to learn. I also know I have learned that love can over come even the worst of times. I never know how much love I could have for a little person who grew inside of me for 38 weeks and whom I never got to meet.
I felt Asher move inside me, but I never got to hear him cry or see his first smile. Even though I never got to see or hear those things I love him just as much as I love Olivia. I also love this baby that is growing inside of me now. Next week will mark 20 weeks and I can already feel the baby move. And he/she moves a ton. I had an ultrasound last week and the baby was very stubborn and didn't want their picture taken for measurements. But my high risk doctor said everything looked great. But as I now know all that can change in a second. So he told me if I ever don't feel right or am uncomfortable that I can come in anytime to see my baby. He also said our goal is 35 weeks, if after that the stress is just too much for me then we will have a baby if everything looks good. So I really only have 15 or 16 weeks left to go. Granted they are going to be the longest weeks of my life. We found out the sex of the baby, but we have choose not to tell many people at this time. We might keep it a secret until the baby is born, we are just not sure yet.
I know Chris and I can make it through anything now. We made it through the death of a child. I know we cherish Olivia so much more and we are very aware of this pregnancy. Chris and Olivia love to listen to the baby and it helps me to know that the baby is in there and moving around. Chris made his first purchases for the baby today and they are ever so cute. I hope this time around the baby can wear one of the outfits home. We still need lots of prayers as the weeks to come will be tough on me. My body is hanging in there, but it hasn't been easy with my headaches and such. I also had an allergic reaction to my last progesterone shot. I am hoping that does not happen again because it wasn't a fun time.
In the past I have talked about joining the club that no mother/parent wants to be a part of. The one of those who are grieving the loss of their child. I joined that club in 2012. But I also have to remember that my mom and my dad also had to join that club not just once but twice also. On October 7, 1983 my parents welcomed two baby girls into this world. We were born around 32 weeks or so. We were tiny. Little did they know that on October 8th my sister Stephanie would get sick and gain her angel wings. So as they are happy to help me celebrate my birthday it probably is also a time of great sadness. I have to remember that. And since Asher died I am more aware of my sister. I have always knows she was there but now she is up in heaven raising my baby. My mom also had another loss which I don't know much about. I just hope that down the road Olivia and any of my children to come never has to join this club. I hope that God does not let anyone else in my family gain entry into it. But I also know that is takes very special people to be in this club. For I have learned I am way stronger than I ever thought I could be. But it's still not easy and everyday is a struggle. I will never get over Asher and nothing can make him or the pain of losing him go away.
So when October 7th rolls around someone please have a drink for me, because I will probably need one and since I can't have one myself. So here's to turning 30 and hopefully no more heartache.
I felt Asher move inside me, but I never got to hear him cry or see his first smile. Even though I never got to see or hear those things I love him just as much as I love Olivia. I also love this baby that is growing inside of me now. Next week will mark 20 weeks and I can already feel the baby move. And he/she moves a ton. I had an ultrasound last week and the baby was very stubborn and didn't want their picture taken for measurements. But my high risk doctor said everything looked great. But as I now know all that can change in a second. So he told me if I ever don't feel right or am uncomfortable that I can come in anytime to see my baby. He also said our goal is 35 weeks, if after that the stress is just too much for me then we will have a baby if everything looks good. So I really only have 15 or 16 weeks left to go. Granted they are going to be the longest weeks of my life. We found out the sex of the baby, but we have choose not to tell many people at this time. We might keep it a secret until the baby is born, we are just not sure yet.
I know Chris and I can make it through anything now. We made it through the death of a child. I know we cherish Olivia so much more and we are very aware of this pregnancy. Chris and Olivia love to listen to the baby and it helps me to know that the baby is in there and moving around. Chris made his first purchases for the baby today and they are ever so cute. I hope this time around the baby can wear one of the outfits home. We still need lots of prayers as the weeks to come will be tough on me. My body is hanging in there, but it hasn't been easy with my headaches and such. I also had an allergic reaction to my last progesterone shot. I am hoping that does not happen again because it wasn't a fun time.
In the past I have talked about joining the club that no mother/parent wants to be a part of. The one of those who are grieving the loss of their child. I joined that club in 2012. But I also have to remember that my mom and my dad also had to join that club not just once but twice also. On October 7, 1983 my parents welcomed two baby girls into this world. We were born around 32 weeks or so. We were tiny. Little did they know that on October 8th my sister Stephanie would get sick and gain her angel wings. So as they are happy to help me celebrate my birthday it probably is also a time of great sadness. I have to remember that. And since Asher died I am more aware of my sister. I have always knows she was there but now she is up in heaven raising my baby. My mom also had another loss which I don't know much about. I just hope that down the road Olivia and any of my children to come never has to join this club. I hope that God does not let anyone else in my family gain entry into it. But I also know that is takes very special people to be in this club. For I have learned I am way stronger than I ever thought I could be. But it's still not easy and everyday is a struggle. I will never get over Asher and nothing can make him or the pain of losing him go away.
So when October 7th rolls around someone please have a drink for me, because I will probably need one and since I can't have one myself. So here's to turning 30 and hopefully no more heartache.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
The Best I Can
As I sit here to type this I am on day two of one of the worst headaches I have had in a long time. I am not sure what causes them, but I'm guessing stress and hormones. The medicine I was given by my doctor really hasn't helped. But I know they make me sick to my stomach and I feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to my head when I stand and walk. I really hope it goes away soon.
I guess when I thought of what to write I just wanted to say that I am doing the best I can given the circumstances I have been given. Now maybe I'm throwing myself a pity party and I know others who have problems in their lives, but right in the here and now I am focused on three things in my life. One is making sure Olivia knows she is loved and that I want her to experience everything she possibly can. Second is I am focused on my pregnancy and third I am focused on grieving for Asher. Some may think that just because I am pregnant that I have stopped grieving. And that is so far from the truth. I miss Asher with all of my being. Whether it's been a year or five years I am always going to miss him. I will never get over his death.
I am trying to be the best parent I can be to Olivia, but it makes me sad that she has to know so much about life and death at such a young age. She has been talking a lot about Asher lately. She cries and says she misses him. I told her it was ok to miss Asher and still have fun and be happy and that it was also ok to cry. I told her it is ok for her to tell people that she misses Asher. I also wanted her to know that just because there is a baby in my tummy that we would still miss Asher after this baby comes. I hate that I go into her room several times I night to see if she is still breathing. Maybe other parents do that too, but I still have a fear that God is going to take her from me too.
Stress has played a big part of my life the last year and a half. I don't do well with it and I hate that I stress about everything. Most days I don't want to leave the house because I know what stress is out there. I just wish I could work from home and not have to deal with others. All in life I care about now is my family. I want to see Olivia every second of the day. I know stress of work and such is not good on my body or the baby I am carrying. I don't know what to do about it. I can't afford to quit. I just wish people realized how much of a strain it is on me. I am doing the best I can with what I have been given. Not everyone has experience losing two children like I have. Some may not even consider my miscarriage losing a child, but I do. I am blessed to be pregnant again, but I am so terrified I can't enjoy it. Every twinge my body makes freaks me out. I am scared every time I go to the doctor and have an ultrasound that there will be no heartbeat. I pray to God multiple times a day to please let me bring this live healthy baby home with me. Because if something bad happens again I don't know what it will do to me. And I don't know what it will do to my family. I know I can't handle it.
I am almost 17 weeks along and the baby is doing good. It has a strong heartbeat and growing like it should. But when I hear that all I can think of was so was Asher. Asher had the best heartbeat two days before he went to heaven. So until I hear this baby cry I don't think I can feel any joy. I start seeing a high risk doctor on September 30th. He will do an in depth scan to make sure everything looks good with the baby including the umbilical cord and my fluid level. So please pray all of that goes well. When I reach 17 weeks I only have 20 more weeks to go. My doctor said I will deliver at 37 weeks if not before if I have complications. I really just want to live at the hospital so I can be monitored 24/7. I am starting to feel the baby move a little bit and Olivia and Chris love to listen to the baby. My doctor tried to take me down to one shot of progesterone a week but that didn't work so I'm back to two shots a week now. That also causes stress because they are expensive. I'm sure everything will work out in the end but I just have to worry about so much.
Three pregnancies in two years has taken a toll on my body as well. My back is not good. When I had back surgery that doctor said pregnancy will ruin it all over again. But I will suffer if I get to bring this baby home. I am so blessed to even be pregnant for the fourth time. According to my doctor due to my endemetrosis history and surgeries I am super lucky to even have gotten pregnant once. So I guess I am doing the best I can with what I have been given. I hope people understand that.
Losing Asher has really made me see who the important people are in my life. I have friends who are now more like family then some family has been. I may have lost some friends I'm not sure, but I know the ones who haven't left me and are always there for me when I need them. There are also some who I thought would be more "there" for me than they have been. And maybe they don't know what to say but you don't have to say anything just ask how I am doing. I am sure if everything works out with this pregnancy and this baby they will be there to share my joy, which is fine, but where were you when I needed you in my darkest days? Where were you when I was grieving the loss of Asher? It takes a couple seconds to send a text message or e-mail. Then you don't even have to hear my voice or see my tears.
I am doing the best I can with what I have been given so don't judge me.
I guess when I thought of what to write I just wanted to say that I am doing the best I can given the circumstances I have been given. Now maybe I'm throwing myself a pity party and I know others who have problems in their lives, but right in the here and now I am focused on three things in my life. One is making sure Olivia knows she is loved and that I want her to experience everything she possibly can. Second is I am focused on my pregnancy and third I am focused on grieving for Asher. Some may think that just because I am pregnant that I have stopped grieving. And that is so far from the truth. I miss Asher with all of my being. Whether it's been a year or five years I am always going to miss him. I will never get over his death.
I am trying to be the best parent I can be to Olivia, but it makes me sad that she has to know so much about life and death at such a young age. She has been talking a lot about Asher lately. She cries and says she misses him. I told her it was ok to miss Asher and still have fun and be happy and that it was also ok to cry. I told her it is ok for her to tell people that she misses Asher. I also wanted her to know that just because there is a baby in my tummy that we would still miss Asher after this baby comes. I hate that I go into her room several times I night to see if she is still breathing. Maybe other parents do that too, but I still have a fear that God is going to take her from me too.
Stress has played a big part of my life the last year and a half. I don't do well with it and I hate that I stress about everything. Most days I don't want to leave the house because I know what stress is out there. I just wish I could work from home and not have to deal with others. All in life I care about now is my family. I want to see Olivia every second of the day. I know stress of work and such is not good on my body or the baby I am carrying. I don't know what to do about it. I can't afford to quit. I just wish people realized how much of a strain it is on me. I am doing the best I can with what I have been given. Not everyone has experience losing two children like I have. Some may not even consider my miscarriage losing a child, but I do. I am blessed to be pregnant again, but I am so terrified I can't enjoy it. Every twinge my body makes freaks me out. I am scared every time I go to the doctor and have an ultrasound that there will be no heartbeat. I pray to God multiple times a day to please let me bring this live healthy baby home with me. Because if something bad happens again I don't know what it will do to me. And I don't know what it will do to my family. I know I can't handle it.
I am almost 17 weeks along and the baby is doing good. It has a strong heartbeat and growing like it should. But when I hear that all I can think of was so was Asher. Asher had the best heartbeat two days before he went to heaven. So until I hear this baby cry I don't think I can feel any joy. I start seeing a high risk doctor on September 30th. He will do an in depth scan to make sure everything looks good with the baby including the umbilical cord and my fluid level. So please pray all of that goes well. When I reach 17 weeks I only have 20 more weeks to go. My doctor said I will deliver at 37 weeks if not before if I have complications. I really just want to live at the hospital so I can be monitored 24/7. I am starting to feel the baby move a little bit and Olivia and Chris love to listen to the baby. My doctor tried to take me down to one shot of progesterone a week but that didn't work so I'm back to two shots a week now. That also causes stress because they are expensive. I'm sure everything will work out in the end but I just have to worry about so much.
Three pregnancies in two years has taken a toll on my body as well. My back is not good. When I had back surgery that doctor said pregnancy will ruin it all over again. But I will suffer if I get to bring this baby home. I am so blessed to even be pregnant for the fourth time. According to my doctor due to my endemetrosis history and surgeries I am super lucky to even have gotten pregnant once. So I guess I am doing the best I can with what I have been given. I hope people understand that.
Losing Asher has really made me see who the important people are in my life. I have friends who are now more like family then some family has been. I may have lost some friends I'm not sure, but I know the ones who haven't left me and are always there for me when I need them. There are also some who I thought would be more "there" for me than they have been. And maybe they don't know what to say but you don't have to say anything just ask how I am doing. I am sure if everything works out with this pregnancy and this baby they will be there to share my joy, which is fine, but where were you when I needed you in my darkest days? Where were you when I was grieving the loss of Asher? It takes a couple seconds to send a text message or e-mail. Then you don't even have to hear my voice or see my tears.
I am doing the best I can with what I have been given so don't judge me.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Rainbow Baby
A "Rainbow Baby" is a
(miracle) baby conceived after the loss of another child.
"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.
"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Almost Fall
So it has been awhile since I have wrote. I guess I just needed a break. The summer has gone quickly. I still am trying to beleive that Asher has been gone for over a year (13 months) already. I still visit him almost everyday. I know he is watching out for us and wants to see me happy. I do cry less than I used to. I still find it hard to have any good days. I would say I am really just going with the flow and living right now. Of course Olivia keeps me really busy. She didn't really have a terrible two stage, but I think she has a little bit of the terrible three's. So we are working on not talking back and listening. I don't spank her and I will never spank her. I am not against it, I just won't do it to my child. So she gets time out. It seems to work well for her.
Olivia will keep me busy in the weeks to come. She will start dance class again in Lincoln on September 9th. We are really excited for that. It will be every Monday until May and then we will get to see her in a recital. I can't wait to see that. Olivia will also be started Sunday School. She is really excited for that too. I also might be a Sunday School teacher. So we will see how that goes.
The other big news for us is I'm expecting again. This has brought about a lot of emotions. We are of course very excited about it, but also terrified beyond words. There are times when I feel guilty about being pregnant again. I know Asher is happy for us and he is watching down on us. A baby after a loss is called a rainbow baby. And I know Asher is watching out for us, because the day after Asher's birthday Chris and I were leaving the cemetery after visisting him (the day before my first ultrasound) and what do we see but a beautiful rainbow in the sky. I believe Asher sent that too us to tell us that everything was going to be ok.
Of course with this pregnancy I have a lot of anxiety. Every back ache or pain in my side makes me worry that something bad is going to happen. But so far things are going good. This week will mark me being 14 weeks pregnant. We have seen the baby 3 times on ultrasounds. My doctor is taking extra special care of me. Which includes shots twice a week and medicine every night to make sure my hormone levels stay in check. I am not sure how long I will have to do all that, but it could be the entire time, which is fine with me. As long as I get to bring a live, healthy, baby home at the end of all this things will be great. I will also be going to see a high risk doctor soon so he can also watch to make sure things are going as planned. My due date if around February 27th, but my doctor thought I would have the baby around February 10th. I will try to keep everyone updated here on my blog. I am not sure how much I will post on Facebook becaues I know how horrible it can be to see all the pregnancy updates and pictures of new babies when you have just experienced a loss. It sucks to see it actually. It can make you angry and sad all over again. So I am going to try not to do that. I am lucky to belong to a couple groups of women who are pregnant again after suffering a loss. It is very helpful to speak our minds there because they truly know what I am going through and feel just the way I do.
So until my next update please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers that everything goes well for us. We truly want to bring this baby home. I need to have something in my arms again.
Olivia will keep me busy in the weeks to come. She will start dance class again in Lincoln on September 9th. We are really excited for that. It will be every Monday until May and then we will get to see her in a recital. I can't wait to see that. Olivia will also be started Sunday School. She is really excited for that too. I also might be a Sunday School teacher. So we will see how that goes.
The other big news for us is I'm expecting again. This has brought about a lot of emotions. We are of course very excited about it, but also terrified beyond words. There are times when I feel guilty about being pregnant again. I know Asher is happy for us and he is watching down on us. A baby after a loss is called a rainbow baby. And I know Asher is watching out for us, because the day after Asher's birthday Chris and I were leaving the cemetery after visisting him (the day before my first ultrasound) and what do we see but a beautiful rainbow in the sky. I believe Asher sent that too us to tell us that everything was going to be ok.
Of course with this pregnancy I have a lot of anxiety. Every back ache or pain in my side makes me worry that something bad is going to happen. But so far things are going good. This week will mark me being 14 weeks pregnant. We have seen the baby 3 times on ultrasounds. My doctor is taking extra special care of me. Which includes shots twice a week and medicine every night to make sure my hormone levels stay in check. I am not sure how long I will have to do all that, but it could be the entire time, which is fine with me. As long as I get to bring a live, healthy, baby home at the end of all this things will be great. I will also be going to see a high risk doctor soon so he can also watch to make sure things are going as planned. My due date if around February 27th, but my doctor thought I would have the baby around February 10th. I will try to keep everyone updated here on my blog. I am not sure how much I will post on Facebook becaues I know how horrible it can be to see all the pregnancy updates and pictures of new babies when you have just experienced a loss. It sucks to see it actually. It can make you angry and sad all over again. So I am going to try not to do that. I am lucky to belong to a couple groups of women who are pregnant again after suffering a loss. It is very helpful to speak our minds there because they truly know what I am going through and feel just the way I do.
So until my next update please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers that everything goes well for us. We truly want to bring this baby home. I need to have something in my arms again.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
A Year Ago Today.... Part 5
Well a year ago today was probably the second worst day of my life. Today was the day I had to lay my sweet beautiful baby to rest. A year ago today would have been his funeral and the last day I would see his beautiful face in person. I don't remember a whole lot from the actual day. I know I cried a lot and a lot of people were at the church to pay there respects and to say goodbye to Asher. The night before the funereal we had a viewing just for family. That was so hard for me. I got to see Asher for the first time since I left him at the hospital. I hated seeing him in the casket. He was so small and innocent. I remember breaking down and just scream Why my baby? I just wanted my baby back.
Looking back I wish we would of had the funereal on DVD. We were asked if we wanted to but we said no. I don't know if I would ever watch it again, but it would be nice to have. I remember Jesus Loves Me was one of the songs. And really the only other thing I remember was Olivia pooped during the funereal. I know that is a crazy thing to remember, but that is what I do remember.
The cemetery was so hot and the grass was so dry. Where the ground was mounded over his little body that day is now flat. His headstone is in place. I still go and visit him almost everyday. It's how I feel close to him.
The physical pain of giving birth wasn't too bad, but the emotional pain was so great. I remember taking pain medication. Trying to take the pain away from my heart. But it never worked. It did help me sleep a little bit, but it never took the pain away. The pain is still here and still great.
It still hurts to see the babies on Facebook. I just think how could all these women have healthy babies. Why did mine die? How come I have to be different? I just want to be happy like them. When is it going to be my turn to hear my newborn baby cry? Everyone makes it look so easy. And it should be easy. Why do I have to work so hard to get to bring a baby home? I hope my family will get what is wishes and longs for soon. We just want that baby crying to come home with us.
Looking back I wish we would of had the funereal on DVD. We were asked if we wanted to but we said no. I don't know if I would ever watch it again, but it would be nice to have. I remember Jesus Loves Me was one of the songs. And really the only other thing I remember was Olivia pooped during the funereal. I know that is a crazy thing to remember, but that is what I do remember.
The cemetery was so hot and the grass was so dry. Where the ground was mounded over his little body that day is now flat. His headstone is in place. I still go and visit him almost everyday. It's how I feel close to him.
The physical pain of giving birth wasn't too bad, but the emotional pain was so great. I remember taking pain medication. Trying to take the pain away from my heart. But it never worked. It did help me sleep a little bit, but it never took the pain away. The pain is still here and still great.
It still hurts to see the babies on Facebook. I just think how could all these women have healthy babies. Why did mine die? How come I have to be different? I just want to be happy like them. When is it going to be my turn to hear my newborn baby cry? Everyone makes it look so easy. And it should be easy. Why do I have to work so hard to get to bring a baby home? I hope my family will get what is wishes and longs for soon. We just want that baby crying to come home with us.
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