As Christmas Approaches....

 I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year, especially this year. This year has been something else. The isolation of 2020 can get to the best of us. Usually I surround myself with family and friends this time of year and it helps me get through those dark nights where all I do is sit and think about going through another Christmas without Asher. I still miss him so much and I’m sure that will never change. I should be out buying him Christmas gifts but not once have I had to and I hate that so much. What would you be into? I should know what 8 year old boys are into, is it cars, Star Wars, Minecraft? This time of year I always find myself going through the “boy” aisles at the store to see all the toys that would be perfect for boys. Chris does the same thing and it is hard to watch him because I know he would really love to be buying a gift for his son. Each year as a tradition we do buy Asher a car to put on his grave. We all sign it and then on Christmas we all go out to wish him a Merry Christmas and give him his car. Here is this years car.

I love hearing my girls chat about Asher, Olivia makes sure that Saige and Izzy know all about him.  I know that as a family we will always make sure Asher is apart of Christmas Day and everyday.

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8 Years...

I have been trying to figure out what to write for a couple day s now.  I take that back I have so many things I want to say but I just don’t know how to get them out. 2020 has been an interesting year to say the least.  We have been home bound what seems like forever. We can’t go out because we don’t want anyone to get Covid-19. For any of you who has seen our house you know it isn’t very big and lately it feels like the walls have been closing in on me.  All the yelling and fighting and the lack of space can get to a person. This last week especially all I feel like I have done is yell I feel like. I’m tired and irritable and then feel super guilty for yelling all the time.  The littlest mess sends me anxiety over the edge.  I tell myself that after July 20th it will get better, I will feel better.  But the truth is the pain still hasn’t gone away and I wonder if it ever will.

There is so much pain and anger still in my heart. Yes some days are better than others but I sit and wonder will it ever go away.  Will I ever stop being angry at God, will I ever stop being angry at myself? The anger with myself I don’t know how to get over that. I still feel like Asher’s death was some how my fault. I should have known there was something wrong. I should have done more. I will forever be angry at my body for betraying me.

As for God, I know he can take it. Still to this day it is hard for me to walk through those church doors. I feel alone and scared. What if something makes me cry?  What if I don’t appear to be strong for my family? Even though I am angry with God, I have probably prayed harder this year than I have in years past. Prayed for health and healing for a dear sweet girl. I was so happy that everything worked out there because I couldn’t bare another parent having to go through what I did when I had to plan that funeral for a child. Planning that funeral was the most difficult thing I have had to do. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, they were asking all these questions I didn’t know the answer to.  I didn’t want to be there, I was still in shock I wanted to be in my bed curled up in a ball. I wanted to be alone but yet I wanted people there at the same time.

Then there is this part of me that doesn’t feel like my family is complete.  I honestly don’t think It will ever feel complete. My heart is always going to long for a boy.  If Asher would have lived would my family have felt complete then, I’m really not sure. Would I still have had the urge to have another baby? I long to have a boy so badly. If I had all the money in the world I would adopt a baby boy in a second. I love all my girls deeply but there is still a hole in my heart and I feel like there always will be.

I always sit and wonder how life would have been different had Asher lived. Would we still be in the house we are today, would I be working at the job I am now. Some days I long to go back to before everything happened. Was I happy then? I know I was young and innocent and had no idea the heartache that life could cause a person. I have always been prone to anxiety and depression but Asher death sent me into a tail spin. I am a firm believer that mental health is super important and I wish that going to therapy didn’t cost so much because I know people could really benefit from it. I know I could.

There are days when I am so tired from putting on the “happy” act. The truth is I am in a lot of pain it weighs heavily on my shoulders and I wonder what it would feel like to just have it lifted from me for one day. I’m sure I would feel so light.. Every morning I get up I feel like I pick up my pain and anxiety and load it up to go through another day. If others only knew all the things that run through my head, all the pain and sadness that I carry around. I feel like it would take days and many many tears to explain everything that I feel and the pain I carry with me.

I do love my family with all my heart and soul and I know I can’t change anything that has already happened. All I can do is take it one day at a time and sometimes just one minute at a time. Because just like the last 8 years the days, weeks, and years will continue to pass and maybe just maybe I will find the courage and strength to confront my pain and anger head on and finally be able to wake up with a lighter load to carry.

Christmas Tears

So here it is Christmas Eve and it’s been 7 Christmases without you.  The house is finally quiet and the stockings are hung but yours will remain empty.  Christmas Eve is always tough for me. I think it is the quiet of the night. We always go to church together as a family and again for the 7th straight year I can not make it through Silent Night without tears. At church tonight as the first tear was shed Izzy gave me the biggest hug like she knew some how I needed it at that very moment. It’s always been my thing and I think my family knows I must always be holding my youngest during Silent Night just for that added comfort.  The girls were angels tonight in the Nativity play and they were so cute, but there is always a part of me that thinks about how I will never have a Shepard or Wise Man up there, because I know Asher you would have been the very best one.

I sit here by the light of the Christmas tree wondering what you face would look like on Christmas morning. I will never get to see that smile, or hear you giggle or see your excitement when you realize that Santa came. What would you ask for?  Every year around this time there are kids letters to Santa in the newspaper and I always go and read the ones of boys that are the same age as you would be. I see what they are asking for for Christmas. I wish I were an expert in boys toys like I am girls ones, but I will never know what you would like. I will never see that smile or hear your laugh here on earth and that breaks my heart.

As sad as I am that you are not hear with us, I know you always get the best Christmas ever because you get to celebrate with Jesus each year. I can’t even imagine what it must be like in Heaven on Christmas morning. I can’t wait to someday celebrate with you.

It seems like time goes so fast any more. I feel so guilty for not getting out to Asher’s grave this year to put up his Christmas tree. I never thought I would go a day without going out to see him but I have and I hate that the days go so fast I barely find time for much extra. And then I feel more guilty for not making him more of a priority. 

I can’t wait to wake up Christmas morning and see the smiles on Olivia, Saige, and Izzy’s faces and to see their excitement. But there is always that pain of not seeing Ashers.  Isn’t it crazy how your heart can be so full but at the same time be broken?

New Addition

On June 30th we added a new addition to our family.  Miss Izabella Marie was born at 7:48 pm.  Izzy weighed 6 pounds and 8 ounces and was 18 inches long.  It was such a relief to finally be holding this sweet baby in my arms.  It again was a very stressful/emotional pregnancy.  I would love to say I was more calm with this one then when I was pregnant with Saige, but let's face it, once you lose a baby it is never going to be the same.  I was up many nights trying to get her to move and fearing that I would hear the worst at my next appointment.  I had a great new doctor who listened to my concerns and got me through the long 37 weeks.  I also had to get through the fact that I was indeed having another girl.  Obviously I wanted a boy so bad, but that was not meant to be I guess.  We love Izzy with all our heart. 

Izzy has given us some scares in her short week here.  She lost a lot of weight and was very jaundice.  She is now gaining weight and back up to 6 pounds.  Her jaundice is also under control.  She has had an upper GI already and found that she has reflux really bad, she is on special formula and medicine for that.  We hope to see an improvement soon in her spitting up.  It is so hard to see your baby so sleepy and eating and then constantly spilling it up out her mouth and nose.  I thought we were going to have to put her back in the hospital.  Breast feeding again did not go well.  I was already sore before I left the hospital.  I tried to pump, but with her reflux and weight loss it was too the point we just needed to get food in her some how.  I of course felt like a failure because I again was not able to feed my child.  I felt awful that she lost so much weight.  Things were just not going good.

I thought they told me going from 2 to 3 was easy compared to 1 to 2 but I disagree.  We have had a lot of challenges here.  Saige and Olivia have been fighting like crazy and it is too the point I don't know what to do anymore.  There were many times through out the day and night I would just break down and cry because I felt so overwhelmed.  I felt like I would be judged for having another baby if I couldn't even handle the two I had.  Saige needs to work on her listening skills and I felt myself creeping to the breaking point.  I felt bad, but I really just wanted to hit something.  I do not want to spank my children but it was coming to that point.  I know the kids didn't want to see me so upset and frustrated but I didn't know what to do.  Of course, when they are with other family they are perfect angels so why aren't they for me.  I was starting to wonder why we even brought another one into this crazy house.

I have also been having lots of emotions as we approach what would have been Asher's 5th birthday.  I can't believe it has been that long already.  Some days it seems like yesterday I heard those horrifying words and others it feels so long ago.  I miss him so much, especially when I seen Izzy she has hair just like him and she looks so much like him.  I don't know if I will ever get over that heartbreak.  I also am having trouble because this was my last chance to have a boy.  Izzy is it, I can't go through another pregnancy emotionally or physically.  If all goes as planned I want to have everything removed.  I just so badly wanted a boy, I feel so bad for Chris he will never have a boy to raise and to carry on his name.  He said he didn't care what I had when I was pregnant with Izzy, but I seen his face when we passed the baby boy clothes and the cars and trucks in the toy aisle.  I just couldn't give that to him.  I felt like I failed him.  I will also struggle with that.  I couldn't give him the boy he always wanted.  It sucks that I will have to sit back and watch with jealously as others have their baby boys in their arms.  Asher will always be a part of our family and I know he will continue to watch over us.

I know things will not get easy over night, and I know we are all adjusting to our new normal but I hope someday soon to find some form of normalcy in this crazy family we now have. 

Olivia will be going away to sleep away camp next week for a full week and I also am struggling with that.  Why did I let her talk me into that?  She is so excited to go, but all I see is my little girl crying her self to sleep because I'm not there and my little girl being lonely and having to shower on her own.  I know she is going to be fine and make lots of new friends.  But it will be such a long week here without her. 

Heartbreak vs Disappointment

I will not get political on Facebook, and this is my safe place where I can voice my opinion.  I have been very disappointed in what I have been reading on Facebook today.  I feel sorry for my co-workers because of my rants all day long.  I was getting very heated over reading and reading about how people are "heartbroken" over the election and how they don't know what to tell their children and have been crying over the results. To me there is a difference between heartbreak and disappointment.  You are disappointed over the results.


I will tell you what heartbreak is, heartbreak is going into labor at 38 weeks and finding out your baby has died when you get to the hospital.  Heartbreak is losing your child to cancer and having to visit them at the cemetery while life goes on for everyone else.  Heartbreak is losing your spouse of 50 some years and having to live and sleep alone until you can join them in Heaven.  That's what heartbreak is.


Disappointment is what you may be feeling with this election.  It didn't turn out the way you wanted so you are anger and disappointed.  To me crying is not the answer, because you know what I cried over this week my son's grave.


If you know me you know what my political views are and I will be happy to tell you who I voted for and why.  But you know what, the sun came up this morning and life goes on.  If you are wondering what to tell you children continue to tell them to be nice and respectful and to treat others with dignity and respect. You take them to teach them that America is great because we get the right to vote for who we want and voice our opinions.


Please respect one another and accept what is and move on.  You never know great things may be in store for us.

Still Birth Is...

Still birth is finding out you are pregnant with your second child, and being super excited that Olivia would soon have a sibling.
Still birth is all the doctor's appointments that go so well and having everything look great
Still birth is finding out your are having the baby boy you so badly wanted, a girl and now a boy
Still birth is sharing the great news with all your family and starting to buy all that baby boy stuff
Still birth is having your husband super excited to be able to buy cars and trucks for them
Still birth is picking out the crib and dressers but not setting them up because you know the baby will be sleeping in the bassinet in your room for while
Still birth is going to that last appointment on a Wednesday and hearing your baby's heart beating so strong and setting the date to Monday when I would be induced
Still birth is going to work on Friday and having back pain and some bleeding and calling the doctor and him telling me to go home and rest
Still birth is calling Chris at work to tell him I was in labor
Still birth is taking a shower to get ready to go to the hospital
Still birth is the long car ride to Lincoln while in labor to meet your son
Still birth is it taking forever to get checked into the hospital and being in pain and bleeding more
Still birth is having the nurse come into your room too hook you up to the monitors
Still birth is having the nurse have trouble finding the heartbeat on the monitor
Still birth is having your doctor show up with an ultrasound machine to find out where the baby is
Still birth is hearing those life changing, earth shattering words "I'm sorry there is no heart beat, this baby is not alive."
Still birth is hearing a scream of such pain and then realizing it is your own
Still birth is having your husband get so upset with the doctor because we wanted the baby to be born sooner when I was in pain
Still birth is having the doctor get mad at the nurse because she doesn't know how far along I'm dilated
Still birth is having your family show up for the birth only to find out that the baby is gone
Still birth is getting ready for an epidural that hurts like hell and going through labor when you know it will all be for nothing
Still birth is being surrounded by family and seeing everyone in such great pain
Still birth is giving birth to a perfect baby boy into a room of complete silence
Still birth is having the only cries you hear come from you and the ones you love
Still birth is that white dove they post outside your room to let everyone know that things are not happy in there
Still birth is having to explain to your two year old that there will be no baby coming home with you
Still birth is giving that two year old the doll you bought them so they would have a baby to take care of too
Still birth is crying with the wonderful nurse who has some how been sent to you from God to make things some what better
Still birth is that kind loving nurse who came into work that day not knowing the sadness she would have to work with
Still birth is having your aunt take pictures of that sweet baby because that is all you will have some day
Still birth is watching your family hold your sweet baby boy for the first and last time
Still birth is letting the nurse give him a bath and dress him because you can't find the strength to do it yourself
Still birth is trying to look at his toes and nose and hands and face for hours because you want to remember everything about him but breaking down and not being able to do it
Still birth is packing up to leave the hospital without your baby
Still birth is the nurse taking me to see him one last time laying so still and so sweet
Still birth is the long, silent card ride home that was supposed to be joyous
Still birth is coming home to a quiet empty house that is now filled with such sadness
Still birth is having to take care of a two year old when you don't even want to get out of bed in the morning
Still birth is having to go to the funeral home to plan a funeral you never thought you would have to plan
Still birth is getting asked questions about caskets and flowers that you have no clue how to answer because you are still in such shock
Still birth is sitting on the floor of your house to frantically finish knitting the baby blanket for the baby you named Asher James so he could be buried with it
Still birth is going to the family visitation a few days later and falling to the floor in grief when you see your baby for the first time since you left the hospital
Still birth is having to sit through a funeral where everyone looks so sad but at the same time don't know how you feel
Still birth is knowing your baby is now buried in the ground forever
Still birth is the deepest depression anyone can know
Still birth is secretly wishing someone can feel the same pain you are feeling, but at the same time feeling guilty that you feel like this
Still birth is wishing someone would just "get it"
Still birth is all the family that was around you now leaving you all alone with your new normal
Still birth is going through the dresser and finding all Asher's clothes and just sitting on the floor crying and crying
Still birth is crying yourself to sleep every night
Still birth is not wanting to go on with your own life because Asher is no longer here, but knowing you have to
Still birth is feeling like Asher's death is all your fault and feeling that tremendous guilt
Still birth is being angry and hating God because how could he possibly do this to your family
Still birth is wondering how you can possible go on from here
Still birth is the seasons changing and thinking about how Asher is so cold in the ground
Still birth is all the firsts you have to go through, 1st Christmas 1st Birthday
Still birth is those little reminders that pop up that take you back to that very day
Still birth is being jealous of all the happy pregnant people
Still birth is still to this day being jealous of those who have a healthy baby boy
Still birth is finding out you are pregnant with your rainbow baby only to have a miscarriage a few weeks later
Still birth is trying so hard to get pregnant again that it feels like a chore
Still birth is finally finding out you are pregnant again and have to go 9 months wondering if you will have to go through all that pain again
Still birth is being afraid every minute the baby doesn't move that something is wrong
Still birth is holding your breath in the delivery room waiting for your rainbow baby to cry
Still birth is the friends you have lost because they don't know what to do or say to you any more
Still birth is the friends that are new or the ones who have stuck by you no matter how angry, anti-social, or distant you were or will be
Still birth is not something I ever thought in a million years I would have to deal with but did
Still birth is still crying from time to time even thought it has been 3 years
Still birth is something I will never get over and shouldn't have to so don't make me, Asher James will always be a big part of who I am

Expected or Not

As you all know the change of season is a very hard time for me.  I still haven't put my finger on why though.  Is it because it will soon be darker earlier, the colder weather?  We all know when it's dark our minds wonder, or at least mine does.  I started a new job at a hospital and like it or not we talk about death sometimes, not because it happens, but because everyone has a story of some sort.  They know my story.  I know I wear Asher on my sleeve he is just as important to me as Saige and Olivia so I talk about him all the time too.  Now sometimes I can talk about him and be fine and others the water works will fall.  But the other day I brought up how I sometimes think about what is harder expected death or unexpected.


Expected death you can kind of plan for like it or not.  You know it's going to happen, you are just not sure when.  I remember when my grandpa was on hospice and really sick the anticipation of him dying was so hard.  It was almost harder than when he actually did pass away.  I know once he was gone he was in God's hands and he was not sick and in pain anymore.  But those days and weeks leading up to that "relief" was hard.  In the back of my mind I was always thinking is today the day I will get the call that he is gone.  Will I get time to say goodbye.  How am I going to tell Olivia.  Sure once he was gone it was also super hard but we knew he was in a better place.


Unexpected death is very different.  Like in the case with Asher.  I had no clue.  I was not prepared to hear those words, "This baby is not alive."  It like your body and mind goes into shock.  How do you deal, how do you possibly prepare after the most horrific thing that can possibly happen to a mother does.  I remember planning his funeral, which by the way no parent should have to do especially one who wasn't even 30 yet.  I had no idea how to plan a funeral.  I remember them asking me questions and I would just look to my mom and dad because I didn't know.  I was so young, sure I had experience death before but nothing like this.  Nothing prepares you for this.  It doesn't even really sink in that it has happened for a least a week.  I remember my arms literally aching for something to hold onto.  It's after everyone goes home and their lives go back to normal that it really hits home.  You are left with a new normal like it or not and it's not fair.


I still get jealous of women who have baby boys.  I still feel like mine was stolen from me, that I was robbed of the chance to raise a baby boy.  Olivia asked me the other day why God stole my baby, and I had no answer.  I will never know.  I can't help how I feel it just happens sometimes.  I don't know what God has in store for me, I don't know if I will get the chance to raise a baby boy.  I hope so.


We wake up every day trying to solve the whys in life and for some of us we will never have an answer.